Friday, February 16, 2018

THE MEASURE OF SORROW

 Yesterday I spent some time working on my Booths here in Oklahoma...I have two and these days they are both looking quite empty.  Since the death of my mother on Christmas Eve I haven't wanted to work.  I've been overwhelmed with sorrow and irritated at how my life has changed.

I don't believe my mom wanted to leave this world.  She loved her children and I knew she wanted to stay here with us.  But, her body was beginning to fail her and I could tell she was growing tired.  Life was getting difficult and the little things we all take for grated were starting to wear her down.  I've tried to find some measure of joy in her reuniting with my father...he passed four years ago on the 20th of this month, but honestly, that brings little comfort to me. 
 I don't want her to be with him...or her father or mother...

I want her with me.

Selfish.  I know.

But, true.
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Death is hard.  
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When Spring arrives in a few weeks my siblings and I will bury our parents together in a small historic military cemetery in Oklahoma City.  My beautiful mother was fiercely patriotic and I believe she would be pleased with our selection.  Her growing family will again gather to celebrate her life and the man she remained faithful to since 1955.

She LOVED America and proudly wore her sparkly USA pin everyday!  She hated seeing what was happening to our nation and the political divide across our country.
   _______________________________________

With the recent violence in Florida and the death of all the children (and those fighting to protect them) it is literally incomprehensible for me to even process the entire event let alone the violence.  The passing of innocent people has caused me to question God about my own existence and to seek answers regarding it that I know I can only find in Him.

Despite being sidelined with my own unbelievable grief, I know the family members of the people killed in that horrible massacre are suffering on a level I have never personally known.  Their sorrow cannot be measured...

My heart is breaking for them all.
 ________________________________________
 
May God have mercy on us all.

Heal our Hearts.

Heal our Land.

Love to you...

Rebecca

17 comments:

NanaNor's said...

Dearest Rebecca, There are no words to convey my heartfelt sentiments on your grief; I know it feels like it will never pass and that life will never be the same-but in time, you will be able to find joy again. What a blessing to know she is with Jesus and with your father. All of your feelings are so natural, please give yourself time to heal.
With love and prayers.
Noreen

Jeannie B. said...

Rebecca, May the Lord hold you gently in His hands and may He comfort you and bring you peace. I am just so sorry. Jeannie

Jane@Bluebird1959 said...

Oh Rebecca, have an so sorry to hear about your mother and send prayers your way. My own mom passed away at midnight Christmas Day 2017, so I truly understand your many emotions. Thinking of you. Jane

Deanna said...

Rebecca, Spring is coming and I need it badly. I pray you get better as each day grows closer to Spring. We returned from burying my Fatherinlaw. Now we have a bad case of the flu. In about 13 months I have lost 3 parents. Too close together. Grieving is a process that takes time to go through. God grant you peace and strength to go through this. God help us both. Allow yourself to be human and rest in the Lord. I am sorry about your loss of your mom. I find myself getting snarky and I have to rest. I believe with some time under your belt, you will start feeling better.
Blessings,
d

Terra said...

I know your heart is broken, as mine broke 15 months ago. One helpful thing I did was attend the free 13 week Griefshare program at a local church; you can find local Griefshare programs by looking online or asking pastors. It was healing. Bless you.

La De Da said...

I think of you often and pray that things will get a little easier in time. I keep you and your family in my prayers.

take care, my friend.

Vikki

ShirleyC said...

Hugs to you. I know how hard it is, and believe me, with time, it does get a little better. You'll never quit thinking about her or missing her, but somehow God helps to heal our hearts.
I lost my mom in 1997. She was 85, and had never been sick until that summer. There's not a day that I don't miss her and wish she could see all of her great grands, and a now great great grand.
Today is her birthday so you can tell I'm in a melancholy mood. Prayers for you to heal.

Junkchiccottage said...

Rebecca,
So sorry for this loss and your broken heart with losing your sweet mom. You are not being selfish to have wanted your loving mom to stay here with you for a longer time. I do not think we are ever ready to let go of our sweet loved ones. I hope the memories of past good times will help your soul to heal and move forward without the daily presence of your mom. Wishing you the best and hugs when you need them most.
xoxo
Kris

Tamara said...

Dear Friend,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I didn't know that you lost your sweet mum. I wasn't close to my mother and though I was sad to lose her, I have no understanding what it must be like to go on without that special one in your life. She sounds like a wonderful person and I'm sure she must have been to have a lovely daughter like you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Change is so hard sometimes. I'll be praying for you for healing and hope.
You have so much to share in that beautiful soul of yours and I know that God will open up those springs of creativity when the time is right for you. And we can always trust Him.

Love and blessings to you.
Tamara

Tamara said...

Dear Friend,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I didn't know that you lost your sweet mum. Though I was not close to my mother, I was sad to lose her but I don't have that understanding of what it must be like to go on without that special person in your life. She sounds like a wonderful person and must've been to have a lovely daughter like you. I'll be praying for you for hope and healing. Change is so hard. You have so much to share in that beautiful soul of yours and I know that the springs of creativity will open up again when the timing is right and we can always trust Him with these things.

Love and blessings,
Tamara

Tamara said...

Dear Friend,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I didn't know that you lost your sweet mum. Though I was not close to my mother, I was sad to lose her but I don't have that understanding of what it must be like to go on without that special person in your life. She sounds like a wonderful person and must've been to have a lovely daughter like you. I'll be praying for you for hope and healing. Change is so hard. You have so much to share in that beautiful soul of yours and I know that the springs of creativity will open up again when the timing is right and we can always trust Him with these things.

Love and blessings,
Tamara

Tamara said...

Dear Friend,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I didn't know that you lost your sweet mum. Though I was not close to my mother, I was sad to lose her but I don't have that understanding of what it must be like to go on without that special person in your life. She sounds like a wonderful person and must've been to have a lovely daughter like you. I'll be praying for you for hope and healing. Change is so hard. You have so much to share in that beautiful soul of yours and I know that the springs of creativity will open up again when the timing is right and we can always trust Him with these things.

Love and blessings,
Tamara

Theresa said...

Oh dear Rebecca, I am praying for you as you grieve over the loss of your beautiful Mama:( I know it is hard to move on without her, I know you were close and that each day will get a little better. I know that because I lost both my Parents too. The memories are precious, cherish them! Sending HUGS and PRAYERS your way!

Kay G. said...

I wish I could have met your mother! I love your description of her with the sparkly USA pin that she wore EVERY day!
My husband is from England and he is flying out today to see his mother, she is 90 and is in the hospital, it does not look good. Like you, I want to have my mother in law around even LONGER, I know it might seem selfish, but I am not ready to say goodbye yet!!
Sending you hugs. xx

White Lace and Promises said...

Oh sweet, Rebecca. I feel the pain in your words and I remember. I remember the grief that came in like a flood after they were both gone. We didn’t have time to grieve mama until daddy was gone and then I was angry. I was angry at so many levels-angry because I felt that the church he had given his life for, who had taken so much from him was not there now...angry that my mom went first and I was left to take care of my dad...angry that the church moved on so quickly with no thought while we would never move on...angry that people expected me to move on, discounting my pain. There’s something about their deaths that brings you face to face with life and your own mortality. I will never be the same but I am learning to hold tightly to the ones I have now and build new memories for them. But I can only say that now that 7 years have passed and I’ve moved to be closer to my children. Oh these days are sooo very hard. I am sending hugs and prayers your way. Don’t rush the process. Feel what you feel. Wait for healing. It will come.

Mariette VandenMunckhof-Vedder said...

Dearest Rebecca,
It is tough and will be for years... My dear Mom's 4th birthday in heaven just passed on the 12th. Those are days that you are thinking a lot about the fact that she is gone. But she is HOME!
Indeed may God have mercy on us all and may we pray strongly that prayer will be put back into schools and that Parents once again will resume their role in a family that gathers around the table over a meal and learns to say grace. That builds good people and a strong nation.
Pushing everything aside and letting our youth follow the shallow examples that come from Hollywood and what is seen all over social media, did lead to this depth. Hollywood has long lost its moral compass!
Sending you hugs,
Mariette

Jen said...

Such a difficult time when you lose a parent. Doesn't matter how or how old they are...its just hard. Everyone grieves differently and no one can tell you how you should do it.
You are so lucky to be able to put your thoughts and feelings in such a touching post Rebecca.
The fact that kind lady returned those dolls to you gave me goosebumps! I'm sure that brought you some comfort.
Take good care
Jeannette

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