Sunday, September 30, 2012

~WHEN THE PATHWAY IS UNCLEAR~

One thing I've noticed about myself over the past couple of years is that instead of experiencing a place of calm in my life I've struggled more than ever with a measurable element of fear.   It's not been over anything in particular really...just getting older (I suppose) and the reality that I miss parts of my life I'll never ever have again.

Example:

When my Mr. AGPMan sit down at the table for dinner these days there isn't a time when I don't immediately think of my two grown children and all the fun we had around meal time during their growing up years (one of them sneaking to the bathroom to spit out a mouthful of peas comes to mind...which years later I found out they BOTH DID!)...

How I long for those days and how I really miss my babes!  Now that they are both adults I guess I sometimes feel like they don't need their momma so much anymore
(at least not in the same way...)

And then there is this:

As my husband begins his last six weeks of schooling, the completion of a long-time dream for both of us, I'm left feeling anxious and even a bit overwhelmed.  I keep thinking...it's finally almost over!  The constant studying, the long hours apart from one another, the loneliness.  THE END is finally in sight...  THE END~funny word for something that should mark a beginning of a fresh new chapter in our lives.

I've been feeling afraid that after all the work, the prayers and the planning for this dream to come to pass, the sacrifices and all the added stress, that the changes both he and I are hoping will come, well, won't.

And then there is, markedly less critical mind you, my work.  You know...what I do in my life~
paint, sew, booth space, blog, etc.

I'm wondering how much longer I'm going to do it all!  Maybe I've shared all I can...maybe the well has run dry.

I've been thinking maybe it has. 

(I know this is all over the place...sorry!)

I have a tendency to discount my fears.  It's hard for me to face them, big and small!   I try and cover them up and pretend they don't exist.  I try and act secure...like nothing is bothering me and all is well.  The truth is, sometimes I just feel utterly crummy with a head full of a bajillion thoughts running away untamed!  None the least of is that I'm not sure WHERE my place is anymore.  I miss my old, often mundane, neatly packaged life.  I miss the day-to-day happenings that were once familiar and understood.

I knew where I was going.
I knew where I had been.
Today the pathway feels so unclear.

My prayer to God last night started out like this:

Hello, Lord!  It's me, Rebecca!  I'm whining again...

And then, about halfway through my chattering (during the time I TRY and not talk, but just LISTEN!), just like He always does, God reminded me of a few things I needed reminding of...

It took only a tiny pebble and the willingness of one young boy to topple a towering giant named Goliath.

Compared to the riches of the wealthy, the widows coin seemed insignificant...

David had a sling and Moses had a staff.
Samson had  a jawbone.

Rahab had a string, while Mary had the oil.

Dorcas had a needle and Job had the faith.

~~*~~

"Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest." 
(Matthew 11:28)

~~*~~

I have so much to be grateful and thankful for.  In spite of where I find my heart today I know God has instilled within me a desire to continue to seek His Will, His Plan for my life.

Seeking His face today...and His grace~

Love to you...

20 comments:

Laura's Rose Garden said...

Good morning Rebecca,
Maybe your season is changing. Maybe it is time to regroup and thrash your wheat and winnow the chaff from the pure golden grain. Then settle in for some quiet time and make a loaf of fresh bread.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven".
Ecclesiastes 3:1
Love and warm hugs, Laura

Holly- Cutie Pie Cottage said...

Good morning, Rebecca! All my life, I've heard people say how brave I am and full of faith and I have been- that's just the way God made me but yet in the last few years, I've really battled irrational fear. I'll awake in the night feeling fearful and not know why. The more women I talk too, the more I'm convinced that it's hormonal. But no matter what the root- I know my God is the answer so that's good!

My nest isn't empty yet but my son will turn 15 in the spring and already he's pulled back so much- which is normal but still sad. I have no idea what's next but God does!

Well, there's my heart on these things. These are emotional mennopausal days for sure!

I hope you have a wonderful day, Rebecca! ♥

Melissa Bishop said...

When our cups are full, maybe it is time to pour them out? Have you considered teaching what you know to others? My painting instructor has painted for 25+ years. I could not have made the recent strides in my craft if not for her and her willingness to pour herself into others. Of course, she does not see it like that. For her it is just an income stream and a fun group of ladies she has enjoyed being around for 10 years. Denise, over at Count it All Joy, and I have had this conversation recently. Titus women are in short supply. The next generation needs to learn the things we know how to do. Perhaps start with a sewing group. A few ladies learning the basics. Nothing huge and intimidating, just a few friends sitting around, chatting and sewing. I think you will be amazed at how it will speak to you and open doors.

Ginger said...

Rebecca I think we all have times we feel like you are feeling. I feel the emptiness of not having my children at the dinner table also, all the wonderful memories of when they were young and full of life, suddenly my home is quiet and I have to FIND my own fun and recreation, they always provided it for me before. I guess that is just part of life. I finally posted some of Tammys wedding pics. Check it out!!! So glad you are getting close to Mr APG mans end of school!!! Long awaited I know.
XO
G

JENNIFER said...

I'm sorry you have such a heavy weight today Rebecca. I do think the same at times...mostly I have "What If's" What if my husband passes away, how will I go on without my best friend...What if he gets alzhimers like his father and aunt had and how will I be able to help him on that journey. What if I get sick who will take care of all the things I do...I know how your feeling and this is what my husband tells me every time I whine..."You have to live for today and not worry about tomorrow, I'm here right now and everything is fine."
Also, you are such a mega talented young lady and you haven't shared all you have to share yet, you will know when that day comes but I don't think it's here yet. :o)
Hugs to you sweet friend! Jennifer

Moments of Grace said...

Rebecca,
Dearest friend, how I yearn to ease your fears and calm your doubts. However, I can only ask our precious Lord to give the peace that passes all understanding and to give you a sense of joyous expectancy for the future.

Let me share this with you: there have been many times when I have come to your blog and found the beauty I had lost in my own world. I have come with a weary heart and mind and your words have been the ones I needed. I have come to your blog needing a respite from the difficulties of life and have found solace as I drank in the joy of your relationship with your family.

Truly God has used you to be an instrument of grace in this horribly fallen world. I look upon you as a woman of great honor and integrity---a woman of faith and a source of inspiration to me and, I am sure, so many others. Never doubt the power of the words you write or the gifts that you have been given. Since I first met you in 2001, I have never lost the certainty that God placed you in my life to be a friend that would help me through some of the most difficult times in my life.

I am grateful for your words, your friendship, and your gifts. You bless me, dear one. May God continue to bless you beyond measure as only He can do.

In Grace,
Marie

Shabby chic Sandy said...

I have faith you will find your path. :)

Michele said...

Hi Rebecca ~~ just want to encourage you that I believe you are amazing and do keep blogging. You are inspirational to me and certainly have touched my heart in so many ways. Keep believing beautiful thoughts about your life and yourself. Remember Philippians 4:8

New International Version (NIV)

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

God Loves You,
Michele
Pearl 13.1

Jen said...

Oh my goodness you're me with different fears and anxiety! I always say its because I'm getting older. I mentioned this stuff to my female doctor and she seems to agree...Just though I would let you know you are not alone.

Amy Jo said...

Hi Rebecca,

I have had the feeling of fear off and on since my brother was killed in a car accident 7 years ago on the 22nd. Sometimes life is to real and all of the changes unwanted and wanted can be so over whelming. It is easy to give into that fear, but our wonderful God says fear not for I am with thee. I am praying for peace for you and I know God will answer....
Blessings,
Amy Jo

Carolyn said...

Rebecca, I too, have struggled the past few years over changes and leaving behind the beauty of the past. I have always been a huge "romantic" and sentimental...and leaving behind my favorite part of my life raising my daughters and all the fun times we had ....well, I find myself reminiscing often throughout the day of those wonderful memories. Sometimes I wonder if I am nuts and stuck in yesteryear. The fear and anxiety is there too...for the unknown. I certainly have no words of wisdom for you other than learning daily, minute by minute to trust Him which you already know that too. I did receive an amazing gift from a fellow blogger called "Jesus Calling"...it has been refreshing on this new path of empty nesting!

XOXO and prayers for you! Carolyn

Ginger said...

Marie at Moments of Grace said it so well, R, you have been such an inspiration to so many and I too come to your blog for inspiration and beauty and your unfailing faith.

Xo
G

~willa~ said...

I understand where you are because I feel that way too sometimes. I miss my children being at home and interacting with my sweetie and I. But on the other hand, I know I have done my best to raise them to be Godly people in an unGodly world. Like you, I am thankful these times of sorrow or fear are only temporary and God reminds us that we are still useful vessels for Him.

God bless you today with His peace.

~willa~

Bonnie Hitchcock said...

I was always a fearful child. When I lay in bed at night I'd sing little songs that would still my soul.

As I was reading and feeling your fears and anxiety myself, I thought of the song that I sang as a little girl in a big bed full of unseen monsters...

God will take care of you
Through every day
All of the way
He will take care of you
God will take care of you.

And he will. No matter where you've been, no matter where you're going. He will take care of you.

I know. Oh, I know what you are feeling. I miss my babies. I miss my grandbaby. I lonnng for those days and often wonder what is ahead.
God will take care!

Mariette VandenMunckhof-Vedder said...

Dearest Rebecca,

This is quite normal to ponder and to weigh the consequences of time and effort we put into certain things. Was it worth while, was it the right thing to do and will it give us back more...? Anyhow, we've gone that way and let's move on. Life is full of decisions to make; on-going and you only can go ONE way. Hind sight is often not fair, it's easy.
The way you still present your many talents, even in writing down the art of your soul, it is not showing (at least not to me!) any downward signal yet.
Take a deep breath and enjoy the moment and the many sweet memories you already gathered on your paths. Yes, plural as you were lucky enough to travel them with a soul mate. So don't whine but inhale and go the next stretch with new energy -- it won't be bad.
Hugs to you,
Mariette

The Polka Dot Closet said...

Wait a minute...Wait a minute..These are the best years of our lives, to fullfill our dreams. Gone are the "Have to do's" make lunches, drag the kids to sports, etc. This is our time! We are still young, I don't want to waste a day, I am having the time of my life and you are too! It is all in your way of thinking.....doom and gloom, brings doom and gloom. Now, girlfriend, I want you to actually sit down and make a business plan for next year, I did it my whole life while I was working and still do. Don't just let the days go by, what do you want to accomplish, places you want to visit, people you want to meet, skills you want to learn, or skills you have that you should pass on,......If you dream it and plan it, it will happen!!

Cheer up buttercup! It is all in your frame of mind!

Carol

Carol

Pink Roses and Teacups said...

Oh Dearest Rebecca, Marie At Moments of Grace said it best. I surely have these days too, especially since I just celebrated my 59th birthday. I long for those days again, when my girls were young, and everything was on schedule. I just don't know anymore where we are headed, and what will be. Not working in 3 yrs because of my back, and not knowing if I will ever go back. I know you and your wonderful hubby will enjoy your time together once he graduates. Just take one day at a time.


Hugs,
Debbie xxoo

AnneMarie said...

Good Morning Rebecca! Change and endings seem to get harder the older we get! If things have been good why would we want them to change! Us women are strong and face everything with determination and you know you will be ok. I still cook enough food for 6 people in our house when there is now only 4! Dont think I will ever get used to it! Great post sweetie! Love from AnneMarie xx

Mariette VandenMunckhof-Vedder said...

Dearest Rebecca,

Happy 78th Birthday to your dear Mom!
Hugs,
Mariette

Blessings from Cindy said...

Rebecca~
You speak for so many of us that have raised our children and life suddenly looks...well...different. I got a job after the death of our twin grand~daughters {stillborn at 27 wks}this year and I am still struggling to find my way. I know God is there and He has plans for your hubby's new career path too. My hubby started over after a back injury by retraining as an x~ray tech. His new career since 1995, after being a welder for 13 yrs, has been a true blessing, but lots of hard times in between with 3 little ones. It was worth all the effort and I can't wait to hear all the blessings waiting for you. Hmmmm, I'm all over the place too, aren't I??!! Your blog is a true blessing and I am saying a prayer for you & your sweetie right now for God to lead you...
Blessings,
Cindy

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