FOR THOSE TEARS I DIED...

AT MY MOM'S BURIAL - October 2018

The summer before my eighth grade year my father bought me a very small acoustic guitar.  Early on I learned to sing and play and through those notes and lyrics I was often transported to a place of calm and surrender.  

When I was a sophomore in high school I learned one of the most popular songs of the day (we're talking mid 1970's here!) and I loved it so much that it was always my go-to song during youth group fellowship time, shut-ins, camps or even school events.  The melancholy melody was fairly simple, but the words constantly put my heart and soul to wondering...  At fifteen I had LOTS of questions about life, but was still all about my guitar and music.  It was, in part, a way for me to share my very innocent faith with my circle of friends.

8th GRADE TALENT SHOW - About 1973

But...as with any life...I got busy.  I fell in love...started painting...fell in love again...started drawing...fell in love...learned to sew...went to college...really fell in love...got married and eventually had two babies.  My guitar playing and my early introduction to Christian Folk Music sort of fell to the wayside.

Fast forward thirty-five plus years and I could not have imagined how much the lyrics of that one specific song would come back and minister to my own very broken body and spirit.

_____________________________________________________________________

Car accidents can mess you up.  And they can even wreck your life if you aren't careful.  The one my Mr. AGPMan and I were in (along with our daughter) back in 2016 nearly did both.  I shared a little about my injury in May of that year and how I ended up having months upon months of PT before finally accepting the fact I needed to have spinal fusion on my neck.  In March 2017 I had surgery and that was followed by many months of even more PT and just plain healing.

My doctor told me it would take a year and then some to heal...but that he couldn't put me back together again like I had been before the accident...

Here is a bit of the back story I wasn't able to share at the time...

WITH MY TWO SISTERS AND BROTHER

The pain from the injury was excruciating.  I was deeply depressed.  A deep, dark depression like I had never known.

My mother was still living at that time and I would often go over to her home just to be in her presence.  I felt like my head weighed a hundred pounds and the burning and nerve damage from my crushed vertebrae was life altering and I was afraid.

More than afraid.

I was terrified.

Add the mounting medical bills, lost work and then needing to obtain legal counsel, I thought I was living a complete nightmare.  I tried my best during the day to go about doing normal things...but sitting down, even for five minutes, would cause my neck to spasm so by the time evening would come I was in very bad shape.

I made eleven or more trips to the ER for morphine injections because that was the only thing that would calm the nerves down in my spine long enough for me to fall asleep.

Eventually they stopped helping...unless I wanted more and more.

I didn't.

_____________________________________________________________________

Pre-surgery I spent a great deal of time propped up in my bed leaning sideways while wondering how in the world my life had spiraled down and so out of control.  I had been healthy, strong and active and in the blink of an eye everything had changed.  

I tried my best to continue with my local booth and also work two days a week at the Vendor Mall I was a part of.  But it was challenging.  Still, I tried to do everyday things as much as possible.  You know, act normal...go to dinner, watch a show, go to church...

Whatever I did before...

Only I did it all standing up.  

My hubby raised my sewing machine up so I could sew while standing.  My computer, too.  I would go to church, but stand in the back...same thing with the movies.

But...night would always come and there was just something about lying down...the spasms would return and the cycle of pain would worsen and start all over again.  I don't remember doing this, but my Mr. AGPMan has told me I would cry out to him, just begging him to help me.

I feared this would be my forever.

  He would massage my neck for hours (literally) in the middle of the night and I took prescribed medication.  But truthfully, it did little to help the pain.  I was freaked out by the opioid problem blazing across America so I took meds that were less likely to cause addiction...

Mostly I prayed.

We prayed.

And I cried.

______________________________________________________________________

  I leaned greatly into my faith and somehow, by God's grace, it sustained me.  I read books about healing, health, faith, hope, prayer, everything.  I would angle my body heavily to one corner or the other of our sofa so the pressure would be on my hips instead of my spine.  Often I poured through aging hymn and music books, strummed my old guitar and sang the words to sweet familiar songs. 

I read something positive every day.

And then cried some more.

__________________________________________________________________ 

One day while trying my best to organize a way-too-full closet I came across a small booklet that held the lyrics to the song I shared with you earlier...  

With fresh eyes I read again the words that once poured out from my lips...  Words that spoke of another's sacrifice and death...words that told me I would never be left alone or forsaken.  Words that reminded me that when I was thirsty I would be given drink...and when I was ravaged with pain and the tears wouldn't stop flowing, He would be there...

 The song, when sung as a young teenager, was sometimes difficult to fully appreciate.  I mean...I think the lyrics are fairly easy to take in when one has yet to really face life-trails.  I was a baby-believer back then and couldn't really imagine my life with true sorrow or loss.  I certainly couldn't imagine it with life-changing pain...enormous financial pressure and an unknown physical future...

_____________________________________________________________________

Since my surgery I've continued to heal and grow stronger.  I'm grateful for answered prayer and I'm thankful I no longer face daily life with immeasurable pain.  Although I know I will never be as I was before and I no longer can work the hours I once did, I'm thrilled to be back on the other side of wellness.  I have a permanent loss of motion in my neck and a nice scar across the front...but I'm alive...and I'm good!

As I reflect upon the lyrics today of the song I once knew by heart, I'm reminded of God's goodness, grace and mercy in my life.  I know while I was suffering my Savior was by my side.  He saw me through some very dark days and will never forget every good and perfect gift comes from Him.

   

 FOR THOSE TEARS I DIED

"You said you'd come and share all my sorrows 

You said you'd be there for all my tomorrows 

I came so close to sending you away 

But just like you promised, you came here to stay 

I just had to pray 

And Jesus said, 

"Come to the water, stand by my side 

I know you are thirsty, you won't be denied 

I felt every tear drop, when in darkness you cried 

And I strove to remind you, 

It's for those tears I died." 

(Marsha Stevens)

 It took many months after the surgery to begin to feel even a little better.  I promised myself if my health was ever restored I would be faithful to make the changes in my life I felt moved to make...

On the day we settled my insurance claim (May 1st of this year and we had to sign a non-disclosure agreement) I sent the owner of the Vendor Mall I'd been in for nearly eight years a 30 day notice as I giving up my longtime space.

I'd known for a long time I was being led BACK to two things...

One...Was to close my large retail booth and return to selling online

and

Two...To start writing on my blog again.

____________________________________________________________________

For those of you who are still around, thank you.  I've missed connecting with you more than you could possibly know.

 I have much more to share...this is just the beginning.

A fresh new start to my already wonderfully imperfect life...

Love to you...

Rebecca

~THOUGHTS ON A SUNDAY MORNING...Recapturing Moments of Innocence~

 Last summer a new family moved into our neighborhood.  The original owners, who were probably the age my Mr. AGP Man and I are today, moved away about 15 years ago and have since passed on.  We called him The Bernina Man because he owned the sewing store in our town.  Their boys were grown and our relationship with them was friendly and cordial with lots of hand-waves and chatting at the mailbox!  The next set of owners were quiet people even though they were very kind.  Ms. D sadly passed away two years ago from cancer and her husband sold the house to the family that now calls it home.

One day while working up in my studio I heard an odd banging sound outside.  Because lots of renovations were being made to the house and grounds (some major ones in fact!) I dismissed it at first.  But...it kept on and on and so out of curiosity I peaked out from one of the room's two shuttered windows to see what was going on.  There was this thud, thud, thud noise and then sometimes a softer sound, like the scrambling of feet followed often by the sound of metal and then another thud.
(I knew it wasn't a power-tool or yard equipment because I know those sounds so well!!!)

It was then I saw three young boys bouncing and dribbling a nearly flat basketball.  Their scurrying around, followed by the familiar sound of a SWOOSH, made me smile big!  Children had finally re-entered our neighborhood after a very, very long absence.  My children have been out of high school for almost 15 years now and it's been about that long since we heard the wonderful sounds of childhood play.

I didn't know until I heard those young boys laughing how much I missed the sounds of innocence.  I began to long for the cuddles from my two babes...forever grown and settled into their adult lives.  Never to return again to the safety of their small twin beds, scattered puzzles, Legos and blanketed baby dolls.

In childhood, where we dwell in the world of carefree play, joy is found in a simple ride around a merry-go-round, the thrill of a push upon the seat of a rickety old swing or even in the bouncing of an under-inflated basketball.

Childhood.

It's magical...
Especially when we find we've grown beyond it.

 As I continue to heal from my injuries I've made it my mission to recapture some of the innocence I think I lost last year.  

I refuse to become bitter or angry over days lost or stolen health.

And so~I'm spending some time this week journeying back into the sweetness of my childhood.  I know it will be there I rediscover more about who I am
and also the person God desires me to become in the future.

"Lord of hopefulness, Lord of all joy,
Whose trust, ever childlike, no cares could destroy.
Be there at our waking, and give us, we pray,
Your bliss in our hearts, Lord, at the break of day."
(J. Struther)

Love to you...

Rebecca

BACK AT IT...WHATEVER THAT IS!

Dear Blogger Friends...

Today I'm going to tip-toe my way back into the Blog World.  Honestly--I kind of feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience here! I know how to do it, you know,BLOG, but when you haven't done it consistently in a long time it's easy to start out feeling a bit dazed and confused!

 MORNING OF SURGERY - March 6th

So...I'm going to at least TRY to make my way back to some of the things I love!  I'm hoping to reclaim some of what I feel I've lost over the past few years...

Last Monday marked five weeks since my spine/neck surgery.  I'm going to spare you the details of the entire process and only say I'm thankful that I'm growing stronger each and every day and grateful to be able to work towards finding normalcy again in my life.  I've greatly missed doing the things I love and I'm absolutely serious when I say I will never take my good health for granted again.  I feel humbled and blessed to even be able to type out these words...  God is good.  

That is all I can say~

Here's an update on a few other things...

MY BOOTH AT SERENDIPITY MARKET

I still have my A Gathering Place booth at Serendipity Market in Edmond, Oklahoma, and I am still moonlighting there a couple of days a week as well.  I pretty much let my website stay EMPTY after the car accident as I found I wasn't able to keep it stocked while trying to stay committed to those other two things anyway.

SWEET FRENCH CHEST

Last weekend was Serendipity's SPRING OPEN HOUSE and so I was busy working as much as possible on things to stock my booth.  I'm still healing up so I'm working very slow!  My Mr. AGPMan has been super busy as well.  He fashioned a couple of really neat things for me and I can't wait to show you.

I'm still loving all things vintage, antique, soft creamy white, farmhouse (as if!) and nearly everything else that is flirty, romantic, French, fun or previously loved....  Here is a picture of a suitcase I painted for a special bride-to-be.  Her Grandma contacted me a few months ago and I promised her I would TRY and make her dreams of soft pink roses come true!

HAND PAINTED PINK ROSES!

My little Miss Mollie, our precious Yorkie, is still hanging on.  We visited her Vet about three weeks ago and he found her to be spry and inquisitive and didn't feel she was ready to be put down.  The tumor in her tummy is huge (Vet believes the underlying cause is heart disease or liver failure) and we know it won't be long before we will be forced to say good-bye to her.  She is 14 years and 3 months old (about 74 or so in human years) and we've been BLESSED to have her for so many years.

 Me and Miss Mollie 

(Taken Today!)

She is still our baby girl and our hearts are breaking as the  day draws near.  We are praying for an quiet, gentle passing...but we won't let pain invade her tiny body so we watch closely for signs of discomfort.  Those of you who love animals understand our hurting hearts...  We just hate all this.  We've prayed and asked God to give us peace as we proceed ahead...but it is so hard~

Today I met a man at Lowe's who snapped this picture of us.  He is a photographer and said he'd be honored to do a portrait of her for us.  I'm telling you...God brings the most amazing people into my life when I least expect it.  Not sure what I will do yet...but the beautiful gesture from him made me smile.

  To those of you who sent me notes, cards and emails during the past few months, well, I can't thank you enough.  I'm looking forward to better days and getting back to sharing my passions and joys with you.

Bless you all!

Love to you~

Rebecca 

AND SO LIFE GOES...

One never really knows what life holds, do we?  One day you're out minding your own business when a weird slip and fall alters your day to day living in the blink of an eye.

I'm continuing to heal from the fracture in my lower back from almost five weeks ago and each new day brings me closer to feeling like my old self.  I can do almost everything I did before...  I'm just very careful about lifting and bending.  My biggest struggle comes when I turn in for the night.  Sound sleeping still seems to escape me and that, quite honestly, makes me nuts.  Even so, as I've shared before, I'm so thankful I wasn't permanently injured and I'm grateful for good, strong bones.

Last week more big life-changes came to my Mr. AGPMan and I and even though we were initially shaken up a bit by some unexpected news we both know our lives remain in God's hands.  Your prayers are so appreciated as we seek His will for our future.  We are calmly conscious of the Lord's plans for us and know if we continue to look to Him we will not be overwhelmed by the unknown.

Not to sound secretive or mysterious here~   We are both fine and promise to share more about our journey when I can.

Thank you again for your thoughts, emails and notes.

I miss you.

Love to you...

~A WEE LITTLE UPDATE~

Dear Friends...

I've been away for a while nursing a back injury and I've missed posting so much!   Today I want to take just a couple of minutes to update those of you who are interested in my progress.  First and foremost I'd like to say a huge THANK YOU to all of you who've taken the time to write, send cards, notes and even the precious book from my friend, Miss Lady Bug.   You are all the BEST and you are why I've enjoyed blogging so much over the past four plus years.  You are a blessing to me and I can't thank you enough for kindness.

My back is continuing to heal and I'm getting stronger every day.  I've done a great deal of resting (hard for me!), but I've been able to use the past two and a half weeks to focus on getting better.  My fracture is healing and I ended up not having to wear a brace (for which I'm thankful).  If I stand for too long a period of time I start to ache, but I've noticed my biggest trouble is at night trying to sleep.  Overall I'm doing wonderful...just can't lift anything heavy and I'm moving a bit slower.  I've benefited greatly from my generally great health and strong bones.

My summer will be consumed with focusing on getting stronger.  I've been able to keep up my Booth at Serendipity Market (Edmond, OK) with the help of my guy and my daughter.  I had lots of product finished right before I fell so that has helped a lot!  My A Gathering Place Website continues to suffer with empty shelves, but I hope to change that soon.  I keep saying that, but I really do mean it.

Yesterday my Mr. AGPMan took me up to my Booth and I snapped these pictures for you.  Don't forget that if you are one of my website customers I'm happy to offer anything in my Booth online if you see something you like (and if still available)...

Thank you, again, for you kindness.  You all amaze me.  I hope to visit around more soon!

Happy Fourth of July to you all...and may God continue to Bless America!

Love to you...

~CHALLENGING DAYS AHEAD~

Dear Friends...

Last week I shared with you about the fall I took outside a local shopping center here in my town.  After seeing my doctor I was initially told I had no broken bones and was relieved and felt very blessed by the good news.  After the first couple of days of healing I felt a bit better and expected to have continual improvement with each passing day.   Well, last weekend I was miserable (more than miserable if I'm being honest) and so I knew something was up.

Before I even had a chance to call my doctor he called with some not-so-good news.  A radiologist looked at my x-rays and discovered I have a fairly severe fractured vertebrae in my lower back.  That's what's causing the incredible pain and discomfort I've been feeling over the past several days.

I have weeks of recovery ahead of me and I'm hoping and praying I won't have to wear a brace.

I'm not sure what all I'm going to be able to do (or not do) right now...I just know I'll be doing less.  I'm not a 'sit along the sidelines' kind of person so for certain there will be some challenging days ahead for me and for my Mr. AGPMan.  I'm hoping and praying by summer's end I'll be on my way to a full recovery.

I'm not good at being still...

So, I'm trusting more than ever for God to calm me from the inside out and, if necessary, remind me every single day that Jesus is my anchor and won't allow what I can't bear.

Regardless of how long it takes for me to heal I know in my heart I'm living a blessed life.  So many of you are facing battles much more difficult and challenging than mine.

Still, your prayers mean so much to me.

I'll share more with you as I know more. 

Love to you..

~THE HANDS OF TIME~

Hands.

It's been almost a month since my surgery and today I'm more thankful than ever for pain-free hands!  I visited my doctor yesterday and I'm continuing to heal while growing stronger every day.  The incisions in my palms are still tender and I have some residual numbness at the tip of my middle finger on my right hand.  But, given the still visible swelling and bruising on my wrists I've been told as the nerve paths heal the numbness should pass.  I'm a slow healer so it's going to take a little more time before I'm 100%.

Trust me when I say I can live with that.  

Hands.

I've learned some interesting things during my month-long hold-up.  None the least being I'm a terrible patient.  My once firm belief I held a high tolerance for pain was thoroughly annihilated by day #3 post-op!  I can assure you BIG HUGS and I'M SORRIES are owed to my Mr. AGPMan.  Amazing man I'm married to~  He has more patience than I and he's kinder, too!  That said, I truly believe he's a happy man now that I'm well on my way to being normal my old self again.

Hands.

Today I have a new found appreciation for them.  I will never look at them the same way again.  I'm serious.  I won't.  Without them I struggled to do the simplest things~

brushing my hair

 turning the page of a book

and opening the lid to a screw-top jar

on my own... 

Thoughts of sewing and painting with ease or doing any other kind of crafting without help caused me to reflect upon every good and common thing in my life.  I missed driving my own car, doing my own housework and running errands.  I found I greatly missed all the things I complained about each and every week...

I'm not trying to be all philosophical here..  I just think it's time I do something about my tendency to WHINE about things that absolutely should be viewed as blessings in my life.

Hands.

Later, when I am buried in the busyness of my days, may I stop and reflect long enough to allow the memories of this experience to influence my frenetic schedule and to redirect my outlook back to the things that matter.  My work can cause me to place more importance on achievements than the everyday gifts I've already been given.

Open hands.  Palms up.

Grateful to God

for healing

and

A husband who loves

and

Friends and family who care

and

Children who call and visit

and

for more chances to share my

thoughts

loves

and

passions

with you.

Love to you...

~A PERSONAL NOTE~

Dear Friends...

I'm not sure how to begin this Post so I'm just going to jump in.

Many years ago I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disorder that for quite a long time made my life miserable.  I will spare you all the details of it because even after twenty-five plus years of living with the once nameless disorder I still don't understand it all myself.  Gratefully and thankfully I've been symptom free for a long, long time now even though my blood tests continue to show some abnormalities.

When my arms and hands started giving me trouble over a year ago I chalked it up to being overly aggressive in my attempts to strengthen my upper body using SmartWeights (3 lb.)  But, over the past twelve months the pain only grew and this past April when I took some time off to visit California I was barely functioning.  I thought a week away from computer-work, sewing and painting would help, but sadly it didn't.  My arms and hands have burned with such intensity that I have barely been able to think let alone work.  The growing numbness left me nothing but frustrated and even sometimes overcome with worry.  My painting and sewing projects can be very detailed at times and not being able to work will explain to those of you who shop my website why my offerings have dwindled down in the past few months.  I'd begin something and then halfway through would feel so miserable I couldn't finish what I had started.  My apologies to those of you who have been disappointed or feel let down...

When I returned home from Tennessee last month, where I helped my sister prepare to open her shop, I knew something was up as I could barely drive home.  I left her home earlier than planned so I could get home to see my primary care doctor...AGAIN!  A few more minor tests were run, but basically I was given more pain pills and hand splints.  He suspected shoulder issues, but to be safe sent me to a more specialized doctor.  More tests were ordered but still no concrete answers.  Last Wednesday I saw a third doctor who was leery about the preliminary Carpel/Tunnel/Tendonitis diagnosis.  So, he scheduled other tests to rule out anything that might be associated with my auto-immune disorder...just in case.

I knew from what had been explained to me they were going to start from the top...worse things first.  In my heart I was very aware what they were looking for because I've been tested over the years for just about  every scary thing a person can think of...besides the nurse told me.  My heart sank into fear...

 

Since I started my blog back in January 2009 I've tried my best to share with you not only the things I love associated with my creative passions, but also my faith in a healing, loving, merciful God.  This past week as I tried not to worry and fret about the unknown bundle in my life I found peace in this one single belief...

God won't allow what I can't bear.

I am here because He has been faithful to me.  It has been His faithfulness that has initiated, nurtured, and strengthened my faith in Him in return.  It is my hope the faith he has planted inside of me will continue to stay strong and will never be uprooted by any event or circumstance my life may bring.

"It is grace that brought me safe thus far,

and grace will lead me home."

(John Newton)

After days and days of waiting for the tests to come back the phone finally rang late Tuesday evening.  Not expecting it to be my doctor my hands started to shake when our Caller ID displayed his name.  Initially a flood of worrisome thoughts blazed thru my mind in about a nanosecond...but then, peace.  Only peace.  I knew before he ever spoke I was safe within the palm of The Most High.

"How deep will the pain go?

Rest assured, never deeper than the Lord's love."

"Rebecca?   This is Dr.......!  Forgive me for calling you so late but I have your test results and I knew you'd want to know the outcome!  The nerve tests done on your arms show you have a mild case of Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, no doubt brought about by your work related and exercise activities.  However, the nerves in your arms are so inflamed that at present I can't believe you can lift them at all!  A course of action......."

(I didn't hear much of anything else to tell you the truth....................)

 To the few of you who have known the story behind the story of this past year and have lifted me up to the Father, I can't thank you enough for your kindness.  Tomorrow morning, Thursday, I begin a round of injections to calm down the inflammation and after a week or so I'll know more about what I will choose to do in regards to treatment.

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and notes of encouragement.  They have ALL meant the world to me...  (And to BonBon...no words.  Just enormous gratitude for your incredible faith and for standing in the gap when I was too afraid to stand on my own.  I love you!)

Blessings and love to you...

~BREAKING MY ADDICTION TO DIET SODA~

I'm sure I'm not going to get any soft drink sponsors by typing this OUT-LOUD...

BUT...

I'm going to do it anyway!

It may not seem like a big deal to those of you who have never overindulged in carbonated beverages, but I have...for years and years in fact!!!

  Quite frankly 

I LOVE THE STUFF

(always will)

and

I DRANK WAY TOOOO MUCH OF IT!

I'm not talking about an occasional sip or two...I'm talking about a daily intake of many, many ounces!

Through hard work and endless headaches determination I've finally broken my dependence on Diet Soda,

namely Diet Coke!

Whoot! Whoot! For Moi!

I've ALWAYS loved soda pop and as I grew older would drink it non-stop.  In the late 80's I forced myself to learn-to-like calorie free drinks instead of the sugary stuff, falsely believing it would keep me from gaining weight.  The thirty-year spread was looming over me at the time and with two young children I didn't think the addition of caffeine would hurt.

Well...fast forward twenty years and...well...I don't know...

HUNDREDS of bottles and cans of the
bubbly concoction later

I finally said ENOUGH!

Boy was I in for a ride!!!  I craved diet pop every single day for two straight weeks and it wasn't until the third week of being off of it that I began to feel a bit better.  By the fourth week my headaches were subsiding, my sleep improved and today I feel more focused all the way around!

It's taken me a month to detox my body from my drink of choice of over twenty-five years...

The reason???

Hmmm...three important ones~

(at least to me they are important!).

1.  I hate the taste of the caffeine free stuff and since the added stimulant has been keeping me up at night for years I came to the logical conclusion that SLEEP is better that POP!

(did I say that???)

2. True or not true (lots of debate out there!),

I've come to believe my body doesn't need all the artificial junk...  I'm pretty strong-willed and when I set my mind to do something, well...I do it!

3.  The CO$T!

When a 20 ounce bottle at the corner store hit a whopping

$1.69

earlier this year I said 

FORGET IT!

I figured it up and if I drank just three bottles a week at full price (and I'm confessing it was much more than that!) at the current price of $1.69 x 3 = $5.07 x 52 (weeks) =

******$263.64******

If I double that to six bottles per week (which I know I drank!) the cost per year for just me came to about

******$527.28******

(Are you kidding me?)

I've decided that money can be used on our kitchen remodel.  So aside from the health benefits

I'm going to use the saved cashola to upgrade to the refrigerator of my dreams!  

I'm so smart! :)

Hope your Monday is wonderful!

Love to you...