FOR THOSE TEARS I DIED...

AT MY MOM'S BURIAL - October 2018

The summer before my eighth grade year my father bought me a very small acoustic guitar.  Early on I learned to sing and play and through those notes and lyrics I was often transported to a place of calm and surrender.  

When I was a sophomore in high school I learned one of the most popular songs of the day (we're talking mid 1970's here!) and I loved it so much that it was always my go-to song during youth group fellowship time, shut-ins, camps or even school events.  The melancholy melody was fairly simple, but the words constantly put my heart and soul to wondering...  At fifteen I had LOTS of questions about life, but was still all about my guitar and music.  It was, in part, a way for me to share my very innocent faith with my circle of friends.

8th GRADE TALENT SHOW - About 1973

But...as with any life...I got busy.  I fell in love...started painting...fell in love again...started drawing...fell in love...learned to sew...went to college...really fell in love...got married and eventually had two babies.  My guitar playing and my early introduction to Christian Folk Music sort of fell to the wayside.

Fast forward thirty-five plus years and I could not have imagined how much the lyrics of that one specific song would come back and minister to my own very broken body and spirit.

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Car accidents can mess you up.  And they can even wreck your life if you aren't careful.  The one my Mr. AGPMan and I were in (along with our daughter) back in 2016 nearly did both.  I shared a little about my injury in May of that year and how I ended up having months upon months of PT before finally accepting the fact I needed to have spinal fusion on my neck.  In March 2017 I had surgery and that was followed by many months of even more PT and just plain healing.

My doctor told me it would take a year and then some to heal...but that he couldn't put me back together again like I had been before the accident...

Here is a bit of the back story I wasn't able to share at the time...

WITH MY TWO SISTERS AND BROTHER

The pain from the injury was excruciating.  I was deeply depressed.  A deep, dark depression like I had never known.

My mother was still living at that time and I would often go over to her home just to be in her presence.  I felt like my head weighed a hundred pounds and the burning and nerve damage from my crushed vertebrae was life altering and I was afraid.

More than afraid.

I was terrified.

Add the mounting medical bills, lost work and then needing to obtain legal counsel, I thought I was living a complete nightmare.  I tried my best during the day to go about doing normal things...but sitting down, even for five minutes, would cause my neck to spasm so by the time evening would come I was in very bad shape.

I made eleven or more trips to the ER for morphine injections because that was the only thing that would calm the nerves down in my spine long enough for me to fall asleep.

Eventually they stopped helping...unless I wanted more and more.

I didn't.

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Pre-surgery I spent a great deal of time propped up in my bed leaning sideways while wondering how in the world my life had spiraled down and so out of control.  I had been healthy, strong and active and in the blink of an eye everything had changed.  

I tried my best to continue with my local booth and also work two days a week at the Vendor Mall I was a part of.  But it was challenging.  Still, I tried to do everyday things as much as possible.  You know, act normal...go to dinner, watch a show, go to church...

Whatever I did before...

Only I did it all standing up.  

My hubby raised my sewing machine up so I could sew while standing.  My computer, too.  I would go to church, but stand in the back...same thing with the movies.

But...night would always come and there was just something about lying down...the spasms would return and the cycle of pain would worsen and start all over again.  I don't remember doing this, but my Mr. AGPMan has told me I would cry out to him, just begging him to help me.

I feared this would be my forever.

  He would massage my neck for hours (literally) in the middle of the night and I took prescribed medication.  But truthfully, it did little to help the pain.  I was freaked out by the opioid problem blazing across America so I took meds that were less likely to cause addiction...

Mostly I prayed.

We prayed.

And I cried.

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  I leaned greatly into my faith and somehow, by God's grace, it sustained me.  I read books about healing, health, faith, hope, prayer, everything.  I would angle my body heavily to one corner or the other of our sofa so the pressure would be on my hips instead of my spine.  Often I poured through aging hymn and music books, strummed my old guitar and sang the words to sweet familiar songs. 

I read something positive every day.

And then cried some more.

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One day while trying my best to organize a way-too-full closet I came across a small booklet that held the lyrics to the song I shared with you earlier...  

With fresh eyes I read again the words that once poured out from my lips...  Words that spoke of another's sacrifice and death...words that told me I would never be left alone or forsaken.  Words that reminded me that when I was thirsty I would be given drink...and when I was ravaged with pain and the tears wouldn't stop flowing, He would be there...

 The song, when sung as a young teenager, was sometimes difficult to fully appreciate.  I mean...I think the lyrics are fairly easy to take in when one has yet to really face life-trails.  I was a baby-believer back then and couldn't really imagine my life with true sorrow or loss.  I certainly couldn't imagine it with life-changing pain...enormous financial pressure and an unknown physical future...

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Since my surgery I've continued to heal and grow stronger.  I'm grateful for answered prayer and I'm thankful I no longer face daily life with immeasurable pain.  Although I know I will never be as I was before and I no longer can work the hours I once did, I'm thrilled to be back on the other side of wellness.  I have a permanent loss of motion in my neck and a nice scar across the front...but I'm alive...and I'm good!

As I reflect upon the lyrics today of the song I once knew by heart, I'm reminded of God's goodness, grace and mercy in my life.  I know while I was suffering my Savior was by my side.  He saw me through some very dark days and will never forget every good and perfect gift comes from Him.

   

 FOR THOSE TEARS I DIED

"You said you'd come and share all my sorrows 

You said you'd be there for all my tomorrows 

I came so close to sending you away 

But just like you promised, you came here to stay 

I just had to pray 

And Jesus said, 

"Come to the water, stand by my side 

I know you are thirsty, you won't be denied 

I felt every tear drop, when in darkness you cried 

And I strove to remind you, 

It's for those tears I died." 

(Marsha Stevens)

 It took many months after the surgery to begin to feel even a little better.  I promised myself if my health was ever restored I would be faithful to make the changes in my life I felt moved to make...

On the day we settled my insurance claim (May 1st of this year and we had to sign a non-disclosure agreement) I sent the owner of the Vendor Mall I'd been in for nearly eight years a 30 day notice as I giving up my longtime space.

I'd known for a long time I was being led BACK to two things...

One...Was to close my large retail booth and return to selling online

and

Two...To start writing on my blog again.

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For those of you who are still around, thank you.  I've missed connecting with you more than you could possibly know.

 I have much more to share...this is just the beginning.

A fresh new start to my already wonderfully imperfect life...

Love to you...

Rebecca

SHARING A LITTLE UPDATE....Missing You All!

Dear Blogger Friends...

It's been over eight weeks since I last posted an update for you.  Not sure how many of you are still checking in...  I know...it's been a long time.

At PINKS in Cali Last Month

Yesterday, one of my all-time favorite bloggers and friends wrote me the kindest message and I guess it just gave me the needed PUSH to fill you all in on what's been happening.

So...if you are still wondering where I'm at and what I'm doing, keep reading!

I've shared with you about the car accident that my Mr. AGPMan, our daughter, Adrienne, and I were in last May.  Well...for the most part the two of them have healed up and for that I'm so very thankful.  It goes without saying that they were, and remain, my greatest concern.  However...I still have some lingering issues that are proving to make me both overwhelmed, depressed and, well, kinda scared.

I will spare you the details and only say this:

I'm still under a doctor's care.

I'm still in physical therapy.

I'm still TRYING to create and list on my website (although I'm failing miserably at keeping up!)...

I'm still have my Booth at Serendipity Market in Edmond, OK...

and...

I'm still hopeful that I will regain my health and find wellness in my future.

I'm still trusting God for better tomorrows and remain grateful and thankful for my life.

I would be less than honest with you if I told you this entire ordeal hasn't caused me to reflect a great deal on my life.  I understand better just WHAT is important and the things that truly matter.

  At HS Reunion/B-Day

My big sister and I made it to our HS Birthday Party a couple of weeks ago and that brought me great joy.  Wonderful to see old friends and to reconnect.  Above is a photo taken that night.  I removed an old friend from the picture...it's the only decent one taken of me with my eyes OPEN!  (Ugh!)  And in case your wondering...this is what my HS friends remember me looking like!  Sure do miss my young skin!!!

 My Senior Picture 1976

(too funny not to share!)

Very thankful I was able to attend the celebration (it was my school's 50th Birthday and classes from 1966-1976 were invited!).  A big thanks goes out to my brother for putting me up and my sis for traveling with me so I wouldn't have to fly out and back alone.

 

 Our Miss Mollie

(a few years ago!)

Our little Yorkie, Mollie (who will be 14 in January) is ill and probably won't be with us too much longer.  I've been blessed to have this precious doggie in my home since she was just a few weeks old and we love her as any pet-parent loves their animals.  She's seen me through many, many things~both good and not-so-good...  Our prayer is that we will know the best time to say a gentle good-bye. 

Our Son, Brandon

(a few  years ago!)

 

Lastly...I want to share with you that my son, Brandon, will be having major surgery on Tuesday, November 1st.  As a momma probably does, I guess I still look at my grown children as "my babies".  I'm concerned, as any parent would be, but I know he's in capable hands...

Those here on earth and in heaven.

 And so...there you go!  I'm pressing on.  I appreciate any prayers you can offer up in my behalf.  I've missed you all so much.

May God continue to bless you all.

I hope to share more soon.

Love to you~

Rebecca

~CHALLENGING DAYS AHEAD~

Dear Friends...

Last week I shared with you about the fall I took outside a local shopping center here in my town.  After seeing my doctor I was initially told I had no broken bones and was relieved and felt very blessed by the good news.  After the first couple of days of healing I felt a bit better and expected to have continual improvement with each passing day.   Well, last weekend I was miserable (more than miserable if I'm being honest) and so I knew something was up.

Before I even had a chance to call my doctor he called with some not-so-good news.  A radiologist looked at my x-rays and discovered I have a fairly severe fractured vertebrae in my lower back.  That's what's causing the incredible pain and discomfort I've been feeling over the past several days.

I have weeks of recovery ahead of me and I'm hoping and praying I won't have to wear a brace.

I'm not sure what all I'm going to be able to do (or not do) right now...I just know I'll be doing less.  I'm not a 'sit along the sidelines' kind of person so for certain there will be some challenging days ahead for me and for my Mr. AGPMan.  I'm hoping and praying by summer's end I'll be on my way to a full recovery.

I'm not good at being still...

So, I'm trusting more than ever for God to calm me from the inside out and, if necessary, remind me every single day that Jesus is my anchor and won't allow what I can't bear.

Regardless of how long it takes for me to heal I know in my heart I'm living a blessed life.  So many of you are facing battles much more difficult and challenging than mine.

Still, your prayers mean so much to me.

I'll share more with you as I know more. 

Love to you..

~~OKLAHOMA CITY MEMORIAL ~~ WE ARE STILL HEALING

I had planned on making a different Post today...something lighthearted and fun. But to be honest with you...I just couldn't. Not today.

I live just outside of Oklahoma City and although I am not a native of my state it long ago became a place I love to call "home". We moved here when my daughter was only 6 months old and her big brother just a little over three. Seemed like a wonderful place to raise a family and indeed that proved to be true.

I first came to Oklahoma to attend college in 1976. It is here I met my hubbs of over 30 years. It is in this state I've lovingly watched my children grow up, attend school, go to college, fall in love and then marry. It is the birth-state of my only grandchild and the only state in which I've ever owned property. My father and mother live here and so does my youngest sister and her family... And, unless God directs us elsewhere, it will be in Oklahoma that I will grow old and live out the remainder of my life.

On April 19th, 1995 Oklahoma City was put on the map in a different way. Crazy lunatics decided to slaughter 168 innocent men, women and children when they bombed the Alfred P. Murrah Building, forever changing the lives of hundreds of people and those they love. It was a dark day in my State's history and a day I remember well.

DESTROYED MURRAH BUILDING

I was running late getting my second grader to school the morning the blast went off. I only heard a faint, muffled sound in the distance as I live 15 miles from downtown OKCity. Thinking nothing of it, I said my good-byes to my baby girl and drove home. Seconds after walking in the door my phone began to ring with my hubbs on the other end. He was in a panic...he was working downtown in a building not far from the bomb site and wanted to relay to me only two things...SOMETHING caused a HUGE explosion in a building a few blocks from him and that he was safe. He watched as windows were blown out all around him and the sky grew dusty and dark... I flipped on my TV and to my horror I watched as a part of our City looked like a war zone.

The events of that day are seared in my memory forever. The media coverage was non-stop. The rescue of the few survivors had us riveted to our television sets. The day brought complete devastation and changed my beloved State in more ways than one...

Today marks the 14th anniversary of the Bombing. More than 300 people gathered this morning at the Oklahoma City Memorial where the Murrah Building once stood. It is ground that many consider to be sacred...it is indeed a sad place, but it's a very beautiful place as well! The blast hurt and scared many of our people, but it failed at destroying our collective faith...

If you ever get a chance to visit Oklahoma City I encourage you to take time to view the Memorial Site. It includes chairs symbolizing the victims. The chairs are on a grassy field overlooking a reflecting pool flanked by bronze gates, one marked 9:01 and the other marked 9:03 a.m., framing the exact 9:02 a.m. time of the explosion.

EMPTY CHAIRS REPRESENT THE LOST

MEMORIAL SITE...OUR FLAG

I visit the site and I visit often. It is a great reminder of what can happen when people allow hate to overtake their hearts... It's an ever greater example of what happens when people choose to love...

Simply put, it's the LOVE that heals.

Blessings to you as you remember that despite evidence of evil, good always wins...Rebecca